Rain...

"I woke up to the sound of pouring rain
Fell in love with those clouds once again
They promise me nothing but sweet rain
Washing away my scars, my hidden pain
And the sound of it gives me new faith
Bringing back emotions to which i could relate
As for now it just continues to rain
While there is nothing to lose and nothing to gain..."

Maria Gill

It's rare for me to wake up smiling from within. And it only happens when the first thing I look at is dark clouds and the first thing I hear is the sound of rain against my window. It's peaceful...I feel calm and the world simply seems beautiful. So the next thing I did after waking up was calling three people I love the most. I forced the 2 of them to get up and talk to me. And they did...sigh...I love them. This is where the blog comes in. I only blog when I feel good or too motivated...sigh...i missed writing. It's good to be back :).

Love isn't for the weaker II

He said: "It's not easy you know..."

Stranger: "Nothing is...but sometimes it's best to let go."

He : "When I see her...I wanna be with her but she has moved on..."

Stranger: "So why can't you?"

He : "Because I see her and she doesnt see me. It's me who is seeing it. All my life I have been
blind and now when I can finally see, she doesn't want me to...but I can't help it."

Stranger : "Yes you can. Stop looking where she is. Stop searching for her. You have to
ultimately..."

He : "Im happy she moved on and Im happy that she is happy to know that I am still
grieving..."

Stranger : "Well you chose to abandon her. In some way you gave her freedom at the expense
of your own...it was your choice. She has accepted it. Now you should too."

He: [Silent]

Stranger: "I should go and you should too. You should leave. Good bye and have a nice day."

He : "Wait...you said you were going to another city right?"

Stranger : "Yup...long road ahead that is why I should leave now." [Stands up]

He : "Let me come...drop me anywhere in the city. This city reminds me a lot about her."

Stranger : [Observes him.] "Okay...if that helps then hurry up. I haven't got whole day to
waste and you will pay half for the expenses."

He : "No problem! Let's go!"

Stranger : "You don't need anything? Clothes? Stuff?"

He : "I need a new start and I got enough money to survive for 3 years on road! So let's
just go..."

Stranger : [Looks at herself in the mirror one last time and makes her way out.]

He : [Looks one last time at his ex-love from the mirror] "I love you..." [turns and followed the
stranger]

I wish I could run...

I wish I could run faster than light. I'll run so fast that I become a blur in the eyes of this world. I wish I could run so fast that I wont be able to see my own shadow. I wish I could run far far away, never running out of breath, never running out of stamina. I could be running away from myself. But the faster I run...the closer I get to myself. I pray that I never run out of ways and detours for I have no other place to go. I am scared to stand still. I am scared to hear myself breathe all alone. People will wonder who passed by but yet they won't be able to figure out. There will be some who will look towards me and pity me. While some will admire my courage and strength. Time will try to compete with me while Fate will try to trip me over...but I don't have time to fight either of them. I wish I could see the sunrise before me and sunset after me. I pray that my sweat won't leave a trail behind me for anyone to follow. I pray that my tears evaporate even before they flow from my eyes. It won't be easy....it won't be painless but it is worth a shot as long as it promises to free myself from me.

Me, me and me.

I have spent most of my entire life n most of my everday thinking about others....and how others will think if I do this or that...and that is the major reason of my depression and not being happy or content. The thing is all this time I haven't been paying attention to myself. That explains my stress, my health and certainly how I maintain myself. So ya enough thinking about others...and more thinking about me. It's high time I bring myself into the light and let it reflect its own world. And well this time when i'll come...others will see. Some may not like it...while some may love it...I DO NOT care...because im gona be out there thinking about myself. :) And it wont be hard.

My Feudal Lord...

Finally, I've come across a book that makes the life of Afchineh Latifi look like a piece of cake.
"My feudal lord" is a book written by Tehmina Durrani who shares her silence and struggle with her amazed readers. The book's centre point is Mustafa Khar , a well known Pakistani politician, who mistreats his wife , Tehmina Durrani, and his in-laws.

The sickening part of this book is that it has actually happened in reality and there are more men like Mustafa Khar in this world. Usually when a reader comes across a fiction book like Lord of the rings or Alchemist, he wishes that it could have happened in real. But this is one book that you don't even want to happen in fiction. The amazing part of this book is the tolerance level of Tehmina and all the sufferings she silently endured.

While I read this book many questions popped in my head such as,

1. Why did she choose to suffer silently?

2. Why do human beings still feel so weak n miserable when they have God on their side while
the entire universe is against them?

3. What is more worse and degrading?

- The mother who chose to make her family silently suffer so that she can save their name and
self-respect?

- The daughter who chose to sacrifice her self-respect for the sake of her family?

Its depressing that there still are many women who suffer the intolerable pain and yet say nothing. Most women do it since they fear they have nowhere to go or they will lose everything..! Is money or house more important than your self-esteem and respect? I would certainly prefer living on street than being dominated by cruel men. Who is to be blamed? Women, who choose this lifestyle OR society who allow such things to happen and say nothing for the sake of their image?!

I have only reached half part of this book and im already disgusted but I am glad she chose to stand up against a tyrant man like Mustafa Khar!

6 Most Important Decision [Part 1]

I finally got hold of the book that me and my friends collectively bought. Now it's finally my turn to read it. I am a frequent reader of self-improvement books since I do need them from time to time. I actually have 1 GB folder that is full of such books. One of my favourite writers are:

1. Joe Vitale
2. Bob Proctor
3. Napoleon Hill

And I think I have finally found another writer to add to this list! Sean Covey! I just can't stop admiring him! He has written such a great book that is just not words, words and words but it's very practical and eye opening for me! The book's name is "The Six Most Important Decisions You'll Ever Make. [For Teens]".

This book is simply amazing and it is a highly interactive book. It's like there are three people when I read this book. Sean Covey, Me and the hidden me who fears to reveal herself! I everytime feel relieved when he says "You do have a choice!". And it's not a lie...it's true! I do have a choice!

In the starting he has mentioned that we all have a remote control with us. Through this remote we channel our moods, thinking and day-to-day life. When I read that, it hit me that my remote control is on auto pilot mode. It itself changes according to the surrounding. And this has literally ruined my life and damaged my self-confidence as well as my self- esteem. No one is to be blamed but me, since I allowed it. I am planning to get it back...it is going to be tough since I am used to this auto pilot but I can't see being in the same misery for the rest of my life!

Further on, I came across a point where he mentions that the "Yes Man" is the most miserable of all! And it's right! Being too polite can be damn costly and well I am saying this out of first hand experience! It's OK to be a bit selfish and certainly OK if you've spend too much time trying to make others happy! I'll be working on that too as well.

What I loved the most...is when he said "Life isn't a competition, especially when it comes to relationships..." . Lately, I have been trying to compare myself with the other family members. Subconciously...trying to make them feel that, "HA! I am better than you all." I am not proud of this...and I will most certainly try to take them with me towards my success. My Prophet Muhammad (SAWS) once said something like whoever mistreats his family members can never be trusted or can never treat anyone else fairly. And it is true! Today majority of the youth give more priority to their friends than to their family. It's not wise at all. Ya we all need a "me" time but we shouldnt always over do it! Because like it or not family will remain there while your friends will drift away gradually, engrossed in their own lives.

I haven't yet completed this book yet and Ive already been wooed by it! Great job sean....I don't know about others but it will certainly make a difference in my life! Thank you. :)

Love isn't for the weaker....

She: "You told me you will come back for me..."

He: "Times have changed...or maybe I have..."

She: "If that is so then why are you here tellin me all this?"

He: "Because my love for you hasn't and I wanted you to know that..."

She: "Is it y this will b the last time you'll be ever seein me?"

He: "sigh...I love you that is why I can't take you along with me...can't promise you
anything..."

She: "do you doubt me?"

He: "you never gave me a reason to..."

She: "If i havent then let me be with u..."

He: [silence]

She: "So you can't...?"

He: [silence]

She: "Ok...if i waited for you this long then i can wait a bit more..." .....[walks away]

He: "You wont even look at me?"

She: [looks back] "I can't...because i cant afford to hate u now...can't afford to
to waste all these yrs of patience n love....won't let u make me hate u..." [leaves]...

He: [Silence]

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A lost battle?

You can't be loved by everyone. You can't love everyone. But there is always a dream, a desire to have something special in your life. I thought I had one but I lost it. And now I feel like im on an island and staring at a ship that's slowly drifting away. Maybe that ship held many promises, many surprises but I chose to let it sail. Why? I am too scared to take chances. Too scared of that unknown. And I guess it's the main reason why I am not able to make a decent change in my life.

And now when people ask me what I think about love...I really go blank. I so badly screwed up my first try that I really can't think I am gonna survive the next. I am not even thinking about it that much but there is always a temptation to have someone, to know someone...is there anyone?

Just one day OR 23 hours and 59 minutes.

I dream of freedom even in misery. I dream of hope even when I have nothing to be hopeful about. Maybe I just need a reason not to give up. Maybe I just need a reason not to kill myself because I may be a coward.

Within those peaceful sceneries ...I see myself driving along with a smile on my face. The cool breeze settling on my face and within my hair. My eyes outshining the sun from happiness. No worries, no fears and certainly no pain. I would trade anything for this one day. The day where time tries to catch up with me. Such a day may never exist or maybe it will. That solely depends on how much I believe in such a day. It wont be difficult but will certainly be painful to reach such a euphoric state. But when I do I would certainly write a book on this one day. Stating every feeling, every thought and every emotion. Noting down every thing I touched, heard and saw. I wouldn't want to miss anything on that day. I wouldn't want to be missed on that day. Just me by myself for 24 hours. That is all I ask. Too much? Who cares because real or not real I will continue to fantasize about it and no one can do anything about it!

Deserted lover

Like a forgotten song...
Like an unheard echo...
You vanished from my world
Why did you simply let me go?
And I still feel like a fool
By holdin on to your shadow
And I still feel betrayed
U deserted me without letin me kno
Now the wind whispers in my ear
And the silence taunts me everywhere
"So is this what you get?
After loving him so?"
And I smile like a fool
With a tear in my eye
While I read your letters
Your every false promise, your every lie
But fear not, I won't let you know
I won't let you come back
I won't let u hurt my ego
So you can go wherever you wish
And you can live without any guilt
Because I won't let you know
I won't let you hurt my ego, anymore...

A Resilient Rebel

It's this temptation to run or sometimes temptation to scream. Like you have the ticket to freedom right infront but you can't get hold of it since your tied down. It's as if reality mocks you while the future awaits right infront of you. Sounds more like the "donkey and carrot" dilemma. And the people you love, question your judgement. They will prefer believing in all the negativity in this world rather than believing in you. Ya...that's when the temptation to run or scream starts to build up real fast. What's worse? You are so badly tied down that all you can do is ask for one chance to prove yourself. You are solely at the mercy of those people who have sworn to shield you but somehow they end up hurtin you.

We all have been in these situations and the frustration can be beyond imagination. It's like you're stuck in a quicksand and the harder you try the more you get sucked into. What's weirder? Often it is us ourselves who aren't just lettin go off whatever it is holding us back. Call it anything; loved ones, past, memories, mistakes etc. Some people simply give up and label it as "Sacrifice". While some keep struggling, others choose to be blind. But once in a while a rebel is always born. He chooses to let go off anything that prevents him from advancing. Yeah...you can call him "self-centered" or "selfish" but he isn't any different from those who hold others back. He chooses to breathe for himself and according to me that is no crime. But in the eyes of this world it's a sin. But as long as this sin sets you free then I think it's worth a shot. As for this world, initially they will try to bring you down but then they'll just get used to you.

So yeah this can all be summed up in the words of an American lawyer, Clarence Seward Darrow, who said,

"As long as the world shall last there will be wrongs, and if no man objected and no man rebelled, those wrongs would last forever"